Clean Joke #27
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
Clean Joke #26
A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.”
Clean Joke #25
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Clean Joke #24
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman." God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Clean Joke #23
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Clean Joke #22
A little girl is attending her first wedding and as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Clean Joke #21
The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor's house. He answers and it is his friend, another doctor, that tells him: "We need a 4th player for our cards game". He gets up and puts on his coat. As he is doing that, his wife asks: "Is it something serious?", and he replies: "You can bet on it. There are 3 doctors in there already and they need my help"
Clean Joke #20
Question: What do you get when you drop a piano onto a battlefield?
Answer: A Flat Major.
Clean Joke #19
A little kid opens a box of Animal Crackers. The mom leaves him alone in the kitchen for a couple of minutes and then returns to see a giant pile of crackers on the kitchen table. She asks "What are you doing?"
The little kid responds "The box said 'do not eat if seal is broken'. I am looking for the seal."
Clean Joke #18
A guy is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. A cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well, I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."
"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."
"Well I would but they're in the glove box, where I threw the gun; it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."
"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."
So Back-up gets there. The second officer gets out, and says "Sir, please open your trunk."
The guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.
"Please show me your glove box."
The guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.
"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."
The guy blows a .00
"What's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box, and were drunk."
The guy says "Hah, I bet he said I was speeding, too."
Clean Joke #17
This young woman walks into a big NYC bank and says to the teller that she wants to take out a loan for $5000 so she can go to Europe for a week. The teller says, "We'll need collateral for a loan of that size." The woman takes out the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom, and says "I'm sure that this will be more than suitable."
The teller immediately calls his supervisor, who calls his boss, who has someone check out whether the car was stolen, but it turns out this young woman legally bought that car from a reputable dealer earlier that day. So they accept the car as collateral, parking it in the bank's garage and securing the keys in the vault. The woman takes her money and goes to Europe.
She comes back a week later and says that she'd like to pay back the loan and get her car back. So she pays back the $5000 plus $5 for the interest. The teller says, "We ran a background check on you, and you're very wealthy already. Why did you take a loan for a week long trip to Europe and put a Rolls Royce as collateral?"
Looking up from her check book the woman says, "Where else in NYC can I pay $5 to park my Rolls Royce for a week and expect it to be there when I get back?"
Clean Joke #16
A piece of string walks into a cafe. The attendant says they won't serve him... he's a string. The string goes out, and ties himself. The string walks back in. The Attendant says "Didn't I tell you I would not serve a piece of string?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot".
Clean Joke #15
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Clean Joke #14
This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.
Clean Joke #13
My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does please send me your email address and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Clean Joke #12
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said "Come on, get in the car, we’re going to the petrol station."
Clean Joke #11
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December...
Wife: "Windows frozen."
Husband: "Pour some warm water over them."
Wife: "Computer completely screwed up now."
Clean Joke #10
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Clean Joke #9
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Clean Joke #8
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A: A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairy tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this!"
Clean Joke #7
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
Clean Joke #6
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Clean Joke #5
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Clean Joke #4
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
Clean Joke #3
A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table. Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."
Clean Joke #2
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ***" answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ***, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
Clean Joke #1
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear-view mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important.
"Well, WHO The HECK is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded : "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"